The Road Warrior...With Almost As Much Rage As Mel Gibson

Unlike many people with a work commute, I actually quite enjoy my drive time. Gives me a chance to think, listen to tunes, be alone. When I smoked, it was even more awesome. A cigarette, good music and the open road were all I needed to get my head on straight and either prepare for a day of work or unwind from a day at work.

Unfortunately, my time in the car is often RUINED by stupid jerkwads who can't drive and send me into a fit of rage.

I am usually a pretty even keel person. I don't fly off the handle too easily. It takes a lot to send me over the edge, but when I do, I TOTALLY lose it. I realize this isn't the healthy way to deal with problems, but it's how I roll...and I've tried to change, but there's just no changing it without a bunch of therapy that I can't afford. For some reason, though....when I'm in the car....it takes NOTHING to get me to this point of sheer, blind rage. I've dropped a countless number of bad words in my car. If I had a dollar for every one, I could balance the federal budget. I've cursed at everyone. Probably even you.

There are certain people who just should not be allowed to drive or should have their licenses revoked when they do these certain things. I want my relaxing drive time back.

1. Tailgaters

I hate you.

If you are legitimately trying to pass me and waiting for an opportunity to do so, that doesn't bother me as much; however, if you are just riding my ass for no apparent reason and have plenty of opportunities to pass and do not, then you deserve it when I "see a squirrel" and slam on my brakes. I have nothing to lose. Look at my car. Are you sure you want to tailgate me? It's dangerous and stupid, and if you're in that much of a hurry, then pass me already. I can't properly jam out and dance in my car with you on my ass...watching and judging me. You are destroying my road decompression time, and thereby destroying my day.

2. I'm in a hurry....no I'm not.

I don't understand it when people pass me up, only to get in front of me and go slower than I was previously going. Are you in a hurry or not? Make up your freaking mind. We are driving, not playing musical freakin chairs, asshat!

3. Any slower, and you'd be going backwards.

Geezers often drive slowly. Too slowly. If you are at the point where you can't drive faster than 40mph in a 55mph zone (or faster)...then you need to not be driving anymore.

Also, people who are hauling things or doing their farm work during peak traffic times. I am trying to get to work on time or get home at a reasonable hour. You couldn't have done this ANY EARLIER or ANY LATER? You really had to move this trailer at 5pm on a weekday? Really? I hate you.

4. Next time I see you, you're going to be a greasy skid mark on the pavement.

I always say a little prayer when someone on a motorcycle or crotch rocket passes me going at least a hundo. Obviously they are already brian damaged...perhaps from previous head injuries sustained in crashes? Slow down. People have a hard time seeing 2-wheeled vehicles anyway, let alone when they come up on you from out of nowhere and then pass you like you're standing still.

Really though, I think driving super fast is crazy and stupid and a good way to get someone killed (but probably not yourself, because stupid people often have some kind of cat-like, nine-lived indestructability). You don't have to go thirty miles over the speed limit if it's not an emergency. The grocery store will still be there even if you get their five minutes later.

5. People who don't understand right-of-way.

You obviously passed the test at the DMV. If you don't know the rules, how did you get a license? STUDY. Two way stops are THE WORST for this. Nobody knows what to do, and then people try to let each other go, which causes more confusion, then everyone tries to go at the same time...then by the time you figure it out, there are cars coming. LEARN THE RULES! There's nothing that makes me angrier than when it's someone else's turn and they try to wave me through. You don't know the rules, and I don't trust you. How do I know you won't hit me? Ugh. So, for this reason, I try to avoid two way stops whenever possible.

6. Here in the U.S., we drive on the right side of the road.

This is usually a dude thing, I'm sorry to say. I guess their penises are so large it requires them to take up both lanes of highway by driving in the middle of the road. Seriously though...stay on your side. I think it'll be ok.

7. Turning lanes are for turning...not driving.

Please don't drive in that lane for miles and miles. That's not what it's there for, and you're going to cause an accident.

8. Are you gonna stop or not?!?

The only time you should slam your brakes is in an emergency (if you have anti-locks)...you should actually begin to slow down before you reach your stop sign or red light, you dumbass. But if you want to jack up your car, be my guest.

9. Trying to pass me? Well, we can't have that! Let me speed up!

If someone is trying to pass you, the more courteous thing would be to slow down a bit so they can safely get around you without tailgating. Apparently some people enjoy tailgaters, though...because when you attempt to pass, they suddenly realized they're late or something and decide to accelerate. So, either you have to gun it and go 90 to get around them, or you have to slow down and get back behind them. Either way, they are assholes.

10. Get off your freaking phone.

There is no excuse. If you are incapable of multi-tasking, then you need to pull over to take your phone call, or wait until you arrive at your destination, or set yourself up with blue tooth or some sort of hands-free thing. Everyone thinks they can drive while talking on their cell phones...some people even SAVE phone conversations for WHILE THEY ARE IN THE CAR. Very few people are actually capable of doing this successfully. I know, we're all guilty of it. But seriously, it needs to stop, because most people just simply cannot talk on the phone and drive at the same time. Most of the things on this list occur when people are talking on cell phones.

Those are just some of the many things I've screamed about in my car...or beat on my steering wheel because of. It's enough to make me never want to leave the house. People are trying to make it so that the driving age is increased. I don't think that's necessary at all. I think bad drivers come in all ages, and whether or not you increase the age, these assholes will still be on the road...lurking....waiting to ruin everyone's decompression drive time...and waiting for their ears to turn red from my verbal lashing.

H-Town Fanciness.

So I am currently in Houston with the fam for 4th of July weekend/niece's birthday celebration. Good times. We went shopping at the Galleria today - the Galleria....the huge, fancy pants Houston shopping mall.

Now I'm not going to post a huge long thing about it, but I thought it was slightly hysterical when compared to the other blog I'm working on (with pics! so stay tuned) about my previous shopping excursion to the Alexandria mall.

I'd previously been to the Galleria only once on a field trip, so we didn't really venture too far from the food court and skating rink. This time we went into lots of stores, though. And they have all of the full blown luxury stores here. Louis Vuitton, Armani, Chanel, Gucci, etc. Some, like Burberry, which I LOVE, I couldn't even go into. I just stood by the window, admiring the cute stuff. I love plaid. I love big coats. I love Burberry. But even if I had enough money to buy the whole store, I don't know if I could ever justify doing it.

It's weird...there are definitely inherent cultural differences between the way I live and the way Houstonians live. I read something about how people from Houston spend more money per capita at restaurants each year than residents of any other city in the country. That's just the first difference of many.

I guess people just make a lot more money here and like to spend a lot more of it than what I'm used to. It's quite bizarre to me, though. I can't even fathom being rich enough to be able to throw down thousands of dollars on something I'm going to WEAR. Then you have to murder someone when it gets stained/broken/ruined. I mean....it's stuff! I know it's nice to look nice and nice to have nice things...but seriously!? For that pair of shoes, you could pay for a year of some colleges. You could feed a hundred hungry people. You could fly round-trip to some fabulous destination.

Anyway...we came across a shoe store called "Gregory"...which we had to go into because my nephew's name is Gregory....and because we saw the window display of the horrible stripper heels and figured we had to get a closer look...

Something else I hate about shopping in fancy stores is that the people that work there will not stop harassing and hovering over you. I realize they work on commission (PRETTY WOMAN!), but give me a freaking break! Maybe I just looked like I was gonna try to steal something...ANYWAY....

We went into Gregory, and started pointing and looking and commenting on how terrible some of the stripper heels were....and then the sales girl let us know about their big sale.

Y'all ready for this?

Strappy, two-inch platform, fug-ass shoes. They look about Payless-quality-only uglier - ....and they're having a BIG SALE!......

And this bitch says, "Three pairs for twelve hundred."

COME AGAIN? $1,200? Like yen? Or like American dollars? I can get the same shit at Frederick's of Hollywood for less than five hundred fa sho. Sales girl must have lost her mind.

Which got us thinking....

What sort of woman who can afford to spend $400 on a pair of shoes would buy THESE shoes? It must be far more expensive to be a stripper than I thought. Or, I don't know...does Houston have "escort" services? Maybe THAT's who shops there.

People be crazy. And people be spendin too much money on crazy, unimportant things.

That is all for today. If I don't post again until then, I hope everyone has a very Happy 4th!

Stay or Go?

Short post today (yes, I know it's been a while, and YES, I will really try to be better about regular postings. It's just really difficult because I'm po' and live in the stone age and don't have a functioning computer with the internets at my house, so instead of having the luxury of coming home after work, I have to go to a place with a functioning computer and internet, write the blog (which takes me over an hour usually) and then do whatever obligatory visiting is required for the blogging place in question. By that time, I don't get home until 7pm, which is a pain in my ass. Especially when not many people read this thing anyway. If more of you read and commented, it might be worth the effort. Thanks to those that frequently do. You guys own my heart. I may sound bitter. Sorry. It's really not about this. I actually really enjoy blogging. It's the important "real job" part and having to spend so much time doing it that I hate.)

Anyway, today's post is about something I often think about while watching talk shows...both daytime and night time, but particularly the night time ones.....

I judge people by whether or not they stay for the subsequent guests.

You know. When they move down a chair and stay and listen to the lesser-known or not-as-hot-right-now star gab about what they're promoting as well...

I realize some people are big shits (I meant to type "shots," but that made me laugh, so I'm rollin' with it) and have zillions of other places they could be as soon as they wrap up the interview, particularly if they're promoting a new movie, because that is always crazy and chaotic.

But c'mon man. Really? You've got more important things to do than the TONIGHT SHOW (I miss my Coco sooo soooo much)? Or Letterman? Or even effing Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? Please. Give me a freakin' break.

It's like their time is soooo soo valuable, they can't spare an additional ten minutes? Or, worse, they are such big shits (staying with it) that they couldn't POSSIBLY give up the focus of attention to someone else on national television? Couldn't possibly take a backseat for TEN FREAKING MINUTES even though they were first and we had to sit through their whole thing? Give me a break! Those egomaniacle turds should calm the eff down.

So yeah, it always makes me like someone more if they stay for the second interview. It shows that they have more character, that they care more, that they aren't so self-obsessed that they can actually sit through the cameras and questions being directed toward someone else for ten minutes. Especially in that business. The Hollywood "Look at me" business.

Recently I saw Robert Pattinson on the Tonight Show. The biggest star in the freaking universe right now. And HE freaking stayed. So, no excuses for anyone else. None.

Speaking of Rob, I've had a post about Twilight planned for a while now. Why I love to hate it. A review, of sorts. That will probably be this weekend. Still have Road Rage post and Milan Lounge post to work on as well. Plenty of stuff planned. Just have to make myself better at this regular posting thing. Sorry, guys. I promise that I'll try to be better. Stick around.

Poo Styles of the Rich and Famous

I had a Facebook status about this a while back, but as a connoisseur of the disgusting, I figured I should dedicate a full blog entry to this thought:

Celebritity poop.

I am seriously quite curious as to how this works for them. They're always out and about - talk shows, award shows, on the set of a movie or TV show, nightclubs, coffee shops, restaurants, shopping, etc. Yet you never hear stories of any of them totally destroying a bathroom's integrity.

I got a comment in my status entry about how you have to eat enough to have a proper shit. While this may be true, I think most famous people actually eat...but what they eat (and ... let's just say "consume") only adds fuel to my curiosity about this less-than-glamorous topic.

Let's start with the obvious - Gwyneth. On her website, she's always talking about these detoxifying, "cleansing" diets she's on. Basically, these diets entail eating stuff that makes you "shit like a pet coon" as my dad would say, in order to cleanse the colon and make you more energetic and lively. That's great and all...but seriously...if she does these cleanses so much, and probably keeps up with the legumes, bran, leafy greens and stuff. I'm just sayin' - her poops must be epic.

A lot of them are on macrobiotics and other diets like that that involve lots of "cleansing" foods. I wouldn't be able to leave my house.

Then, of course, there's the other side of the celebrity spectrum. Those on the booze and drug diet.

Let me first say that I've followed the good advice of the older, wiser people in my life and have never touched the hard stuff, nor do I ever plan to...but I've lived in a city known for rampant use of hard drugs. I've seen it....I know people that partake, and I've heard plenty of stories about what many of those hard drugs do to the bowels and digestive system, and it ain't pretty.

And even for those of us who haven't experienced that first hand - I think we've all been there after a night of boozing. I won't get too graphic...but y'all know what I mean.

Then the coffee! They are forever photographed with a freakin' latte in their hands. Once again - a main ingredient for an extra large colon jolt.

And finally, the cigarettes. I know not as many celebrities smoke now as they did in years past, especially not when they are going to be photographed, but I'm pretty sure a good number of them still smoke. And nothing kickstarts the bowels like a morning cigarette. Especially when accompanied by coffee.

So how, when you mix the "cleansing" diets, the alcohol, the drugs, the coffee and the cigarettes, are these people not walking doodoo machines? Seriously? How are they not having to #2 every single place they go?

Are there confidentiality agreements involved? "Sorry I bombed your bathroom. Sign this paper please. If you tell anyone about this, I'll see your ass in court." ????

Do they have their assistants pretend to be the offenders? "If you pretend it was you, I'll give you first dibs at the gift tent." ????

Do they leave whatever function they were attending to go to a more secure location to poop?

And don't give me the whole, "Maybe people don't care." or "Maybe people are just too sophisticated to comment on things like that," because that's malarky. We are treated to much more offensive and disgusting information about these people all the time. You're telling me we can all see a shot of Britney's hoo-ha when she gets out of a car, but a story about her dropping a deuce is just too personal and too much to bear?

We can hear Jessica Simpson talk about how she rarely brushes her teeth. We can see hundreds of these people's sex tapes (some of which involve much nastier stuff than a story about pooping in a public bathroom). We can see Fergie's crotch shot from when she allegedly pissed her pants on stage. We can see a photo of Lindsay Lohan, straw in hand, lines on mirror, when she's just missed a court date and, rather than flushing turds, is flushing her life down the toilet. We can watch Kate Gosselin do whatever the hell this is. We can watch Jon Gosselin be Jon Gosselin. And we can see pretty much all the way down into the depths of Paris Hilton's vagina canyon (if we wanted to...which I don't. Hence the lack of link).

Yet, poop stories are unheard of.

I, for one, would rather hear a funny story about a celeb makin' turds than I would see any of the above. But maybe that's just me.

Feline Drama

I've never been a cat person. I like dogs. They're goofy and loyal and, even though they might be more trouble, they show more love, and it's worth it.

However, until my living situation changes, I cannot have dogs.

If it were only me, I would choose to instead not have a pet. But...David is a cat person. He loves kitties. He is a cat whisperer of sorts - he can get stray, skiddish ones to come up to him...all cats love him. It's bizarre.

I am my mother's child. I've always though cats were worthless and pretty much left them alone save for one failed cat experience in high school...which didn't end well.

So please.....everyone....humor me and allow me to make a crazy cat lady post today. Even though David is really the crazy cat lady of the two of us, but he didn't have to go to the vet with them this morning, I did. But yeah, just this one time, I promise. No more cat posts.

Anyway, when we lived in our apartment in New Orleans is when David started the cat business. He wanted a kitty. He needed a pet. So...one of the Ducat cats had some kittens that were old enough to take away from their mom when I was home one weekend, and I picked one out and brought her home with me. She was cute and tiny, but cuh-razy, so we decided to call her Couillion (Cooey for short). She's been with us a couple years now. Mostly keeps to herself. Isn't too much trouble except for the occasional hairball vomit. Does crazy stuff like pees in the toilet (and doesn't miss...if I could only get her to flush, we'd be in business). She's a cat...and she's grown on me. I kinda like having her around.

Now, as many of you know, about a week ago David decided to pick up a kitten that was walking around in the middle of the road in the S-curve in Hayes - the cat whisperer strikes again!!! I wasn't happy about it, but whatever. I did put my foot down, though. The foot has spoken. This is the last one. He is not allowed to rescue any more animals. Dogs, cats, whatever. NOT HAVING IT!

So...since HE decided to play kitty savior...I had to take today off work (that part I'm fine with) to bring them to the vet.

While at the vet, I discovered that the new kitten is a boy and not a girl as we originally thought (I'm thinking of calling him Fred. He's definitely a Fred.), and that Cooey has all of a sudden turned into the Antichrist.

She HATES the new cat. Hisses and growles these deep, dog-like growles. Gets all tense and freaked out and pissed off when the new cat is around. She's NEVER done anything like that before. Never. She's also never been bad or weird or had any trouble at the vet. So what do I do? Yay! Let's take them to the vet together!

Right after putting Cooey in her little carrier, I knew it wasn't going to be good. She was already hissing at me.

Fred went first. Got his ear mite treatment, a shot and also some flea meds. He was a trooper and gives kisses like a dog. Fred was fine.

Then it was Cooey's turn. I put her carrier up on the exam table to take her out...I could hear her hissing. So we decided to take the top off of the carrier....she started growling then. Then she swatted and bit at the vet and the assistant. Then jumped off of the table and hid in the corner of the room...growling these deep, whole-body growles and hissing when anyone would go near her. They got a towel thinking covering her face would help (?), but to no avail. The doctor kept jumping backwards in terror. Cooey kept trying to bite them and scratch with her back legs. I was freaking horrified. I'd never seen her freak out on the vet like that before.

She couldn't even get all of her vaccinations because they couldn't keep her still long enough to give her a shot. They will have to wait for that until they have her under sedation for her spay surgery next week.

So...anybody want to cat sit? hahaha

Trying not to play favorites here, because I know that will only make things worse...but I'm really liking Fred better at this point.

Anyway...again, I'm sorry about the cat post. It won't happen again. I just almost had a stroke today and needed to share.

Farts Will Always Be Hilarious

Now that I have a basically serious job in the health care realm...I'm starting to realize more and more that people are not too keen on potty humor...

I read an article recently about how "shocking" branding is becoming more popular in the health care industry. The examples in the article were some rough sketches for a gastroenterology facility that incorporated butts and toilet paper and things like that in the logo. That was considered super cutting-edge.

As a frequent crosser of the "too gross" line, I sometimes have trouble with the boundaries of what is acceptable to society when it comes to that kinda stuff...and what is not.

I get it. People don't want to be grossed out. But seriously...people should get over it. It's like the book says...Everyone Poops. Are you really that offended by something that you are a daily (hopefully...otherwise you should see Jamie Lee about her yogurt) participant in? Grab a heaping bowl of Colon Blow and read on...

There are few things in this world that are funnier than a good poop joke. My sister, who is a flippin' medical doctor, once said, "It doesn't matter who you are. Farts are funny." And damnit, she's right. Farts are funny.

I'm not sure what sort of sense of humor a poop joke-teller would be classified under. It wouldn't be a "dry" sense of humor...so......wet? (sorry.)

But seriously....it never gets old. One of my favorite examples is the Fat Bastard fart scene from Austin Powers In Goldmember. It's glorious. (For you, Duckit.)

Then there's the classic.

And this classic, too.

At this point, don't most of us think this stuff is funny? Maybe I just have a juvenile sense of humor. But I'd certainly rather my entertainment be more of the childish, doodie joke variety than the depressing.

Some examples:

I hated Atonement, Legends of the Fall (stills only, please...I can't even watch it on mute...still too depressing), Requiem for a Dream (eeesh), The English Patient, most every war movie, effing 21 Grams, Seven Pounds (sorry, Duckit), etc. etc. etc. In fact, the movies on that list are so depressing that it almost becomes comical. Like, "Oh, what now...is the pregnant young wife gonna get hit with a ricocheted bullet and die?" and then BAM! Pregnant young wife gets hit with ricocheted bullet and dies.

Life is depressing enough. I don't need movies to bring me down. And, really, I don't even mind so much if it's at least slightly balanced with funny or happy stuff. And REALLY funny or happy stuff. I'm not talking about when little girls are dancing through a field of flowers in one of those heavily-music-ified scenes where you know that's the end of the goodness and something terrible is about to happen. I'm talking about this.

That is all. Thanks for reading. Talk to y'all tomorrow. And poop on!

Pimpin' the Chirrens

If you're anything like me, you sit around and wonder where humanity has gone wrong. What is wrong with people today? We're getting more and more stupid, lazy, oversexed, crazy and lacking in things like ambition and drive for success. People blame this on a number of reasons...depending on who you talk to. Technology, not enough religion, too much religion, women in the workplace, blah blah blah.

I point to one particular family as not only a prime example of the disintigration of society, but also a key player in the continuation of the downfall.

The Cyruses.

Remember a few short years ago before Hannah Montana hit it REALLY big? It was a simpler time, even by recent standards. Billy Ray was still doing Picadilly commercials. Miley was getting there, but hadn't quite become the mega ultra deluxe superstar. By all appearances, they were just another family. Ok, well, close enough.

Fast forward a few short years. After Miley/Hannah success. She's an actress (?). She's a singer (debatable). She's a major international phenomenon. She goes to the Oscars every year (why is that, exactly?). She's a cojillionaire. That's a lot of pressure to put on a teenage girl. But her parents seem to love it and support her "art" even when that "art" is inappropriate pole dancing in labia-peeper shorts at a teenage award show.

It's as though the whole messed up former child star thing doesn't exist to these people.

What is it doing for the rest of the kids? Well, I don't know about all of them, but the effects are permantly etched into Trace's body....

I'm all for tattoos, now. But when they clearly become an excessive cry for help...not good, my friends. Not good.

Then there's Noah, the little one. Still young...still full of potential. But the resulting favoritism of a more successful sibling has already begun to shine on through. That's Noah for Halloween. Perhaps she was just dressing up as her sister?

In case you're wondering, this rant is stemming from the recent E! special where they talk about Miley's "evolution" and how she's coming out with new, more sexual "art." It basically looked to me like she's pulling a Britney now that she's reached the ripe old age of 17 and all.

Grab your popcorn. The bare feet, babies, shaved head and crazy is only a hop, skip and a jump away! Then Noah will pull a Jamie Lynn Spears. Mark my words.