This Is How We Do It

Wanted to share some fun photos from a shopping excursion my friends and I recently took (ok ok...it was a few weekends ago at this point. I'm neglecting the blog. I'm sawwy.) to a magical discount clothing outlet in an even more dazzling place - the Alexandria Mall.

My friends and I, we've often done this thing when shopping where we pick out the ugliest crap we can find and try it on. It was especially fun when shopping for formal wear when we were looking for prom attire in high school. (Boy do I wish I had some of THOSE pictures of my friend Lauren. Horrible old lady formal dress. Horrible hooker formal dress. Gooood stuff!) But it's still fun today with "casual" or "dressy casual" clothing.

So where do we begin...

While perusing the jackets, I came across a color that is usually reserved for old Mawmaws. What a delightful shade of corpse this was!

But, much to our dismay, it didn't look as horrendous on me as it did on the rack. (Probably because I'm so pale, that the corpse-like color actually made me look a little alive?) It actually looked sorta good....so good, in fact, that I ended up buying the same jacket in a slightly bigger size (obviously...fatty alert!) and a different color (brown). (Leave me alone, it may be slightly Michael Jackson-y sans zippers, but it was only $13).

This brings me to the next beautiful item on the agenda....The Pink Pleather Shirt.

I don't know what kind of 80s stylish secretary hell this thing came from, but I've never tried anything on that breathed LESS than this thing did. As soon as I put it on, my body temp increased to about 195 degrees. Not cool indeed! But it's SO FLATTERING! Especially with my hawt double chins! You pay a price for being this sexy....

Actually, you pay the price not only in sweat, but also in cash. I am most certainly a bargain shopper and have a hard time spending more than $30 on any single piece of clothing because I'm poor and would rather spend money on important things like food (fatty!) and booze. This pink horror was actually the most expensive thing I tried on all day, believe it or not. It was right at $30. NO THANK YOU.

Finally, what Pink Pleather Shirt could possibly be properly accentuated without fancy, designer juhree from the famous Charles Klein. Calvin wishes he were as stylish and fabulous as his fancy brother Charles. Calvin ain't got shit on Charles.

And pink plastic "pearls" are so hot right now. Lauren knows.

Finally, to complete the entire ensemble....we need shoes. And not just any shoes would do. We needed Shoe Sextacy. We needed ....THESE!!

Hope you guys got a little joy out of this. Sorry the photos are so small (well...some of them at least...like the shoes). Computer is being wonky and not uploading properly, so could only do small ones.

Farts Will Always Be Hilarious

Now that I have a basically serious job in the health care realm...I'm starting to realize more and more that people are not too keen on potty humor...

I read an article recently about how "shocking" branding is becoming more popular in the health care industry. The examples in the article were some rough sketches for a gastroenterology facility that incorporated butts and toilet paper and things like that in the logo. That was considered super cutting-edge.

As a frequent crosser of the "too gross" line, I sometimes have trouble with the boundaries of what is acceptable to society when it comes to that kinda stuff...and what is not.

I get it. People don't want to be grossed out. But seriously...people should get over it. It's like the book says...Everyone Poops. Are you really that offended by something that you are a daily (hopefully...otherwise you should see Jamie Lee about her yogurt) participant in? Grab a heaping bowl of Colon Blow and read on...

There are few things in this world that are funnier than a good poop joke. My sister, who is a flippin' medical doctor, once said, "It doesn't matter who you are. Farts are funny." And damnit, she's right. Farts are funny.

I'm not sure what sort of sense of humor a poop joke-teller would be classified under. It wouldn't be a "dry" sense of humor...so......wet? (sorry.)

But seriously....it never gets old. One of my favorite examples is the Fat Bastard fart scene from Austin Powers In Goldmember. It's glorious. (For you, Duckit.)

Then there's the classic.

And this classic, too.

At this point, don't most of us think this stuff is funny? Maybe I just have a juvenile sense of humor. But I'd certainly rather my entertainment be more of the childish, doodie joke variety than the depressing.

Some examples:

I hated Atonement, Legends of the Fall (stills only, please...I can't even watch it on mute...still too depressing), Requiem for a Dream (eeesh), The English Patient, most every war movie, effing 21 Grams, Seven Pounds (sorry, Duckit), etc. etc. etc. In fact, the movies on that list are so depressing that it almost becomes comical. Like, "Oh, what now...is the pregnant young wife gonna get hit with a ricocheted bullet and die?" and then BAM! Pregnant young wife gets hit with ricocheted bullet and dies.

Life is depressing enough. I don't need movies to bring me down. And, really, I don't even mind so much if it's at least slightly balanced with funny or happy stuff. And REALLY funny or happy stuff. I'm not talking about when little girls are dancing through a field of flowers in one of those heavily-music-ified scenes where you know that's the end of the goodness and something terrible is about to happen. I'm talking about this.

That is all. Thanks for reading. Talk to y'all tomorrow. And poop on!