The Road Warrior...With Almost As Much Rage As Mel Gibson

Unlike many people with a work commute, I actually quite enjoy my drive time. Gives me a chance to think, listen to tunes, be alone. When I smoked, it was even more awesome. A cigarette, good music and the open road were all I needed to get my head on straight and either prepare for a day of work or unwind from a day at work.

Unfortunately, my time in the car is often RUINED by stupid jerkwads who can't drive and send me into a fit of rage.

I am usually a pretty even keel person. I don't fly off the handle too easily. It takes a lot to send me over the edge, but when I do, I TOTALLY lose it. I realize this isn't the healthy way to deal with problems, but it's how I roll...and I've tried to change, but there's just no changing it without a bunch of therapy that I can't afford. For some reason, though....when I'm in the car....it takes NOTHING to get me to this point of sheer, blind rage. I've dropped a countless number of bad words in my car. If I had a dollar for every one, I could balance the federal budget. I've cursed at everyone. Probably even you.

There are certain people who just should not be allowed to drive or should have their licenses revoked when they do these certain things. I want my relaxing drive time back.

1. Tailgaters

I hate you.

If you are legitimately trying to pass me and waiting for an opportunity to do so, that doesn't bother me as much; however, if you are just riding my ass for no apparent reason and have plenty of opportunities to pass and do not, then you deserve it when I "see a squirrel" and slam on my brakes. I have nothing to lose. Look at my car. Are you sure you want to tailgate me? It's dangerous and stupid, and if you're in that much of a hurry, then pass me already. I can't properly jam out and dance in my car with you on my ass...watching and judging me. You are destroying my road decompression time, and thereby destroying my day.

2. I'm in a hurry....no I'm not.

I don't understand it when people pass me up, only to get in front of me and go slower than I was previously going. Are you in a hurry or not? Make up your freaking mind. We are driving, not playing musical freakin chairs, asshat!

3. Any slower, and you'd be going backwards.

Geezers often drive slowly. Too slowly. If you are at the point where you can't drive faster than 40mph in a 55mph zone (or faster)...then you need to not be driving anymore.

Also, people who are hauling things or doing their farm work during peak traffic times. I am trying to get to work on time or get home at a reasonable hour. You couldn't have done this ANY EARLIER or ANY LATER? You really had to move this trailer at 5pm on a weekday? Really? I hate you.

4. Next time I see you, you're going to be a greasy skid mark on the pavement.

I always say a little prayer when someone on a motorcycle or crotch rocket passes me going at least a hundo. Obviously they are already brian damaged...perhaps from previous head injuries sustained in crashes? Slow down. People have a hard time seeing 2-wheeled vehicles anyway, let alone when they come up on you from out of nowhere and then pass you like you're standing still.

Really though, I think driving super fast is crazy and stupid and a good way to get someone killed (but probably not yourself, because stupid people often have some kind of cat-like, nine-lived indestructability). You don't have to go thirty miles over the speed limit if it's not an emergency. The grocery store will still be there even if you get their five minutes later.

5. People who don't understand right-of-way.

You obviously passed the test at the DMV. If you don't know the rules, how did you get a license? STUDY. Two way stops are THE WORST for this. Nobody knows what to do, and then people try to let each other go, which causes more confusion, then everyone tries to go at the same time...then by the time you figure it out, there are cars coming. LEARN THE RULES! There's nothing that makes me angrier than when it's someone else's turn and they try to wave me through. You don't know the rules, and I don't trust you. How do I know you won't hit me? Ugh. So, for this reason, I try to avoid two way stops whenever possible.

6. Here in the U.S., we drive on the right side of the road.

This is usually a dude thing, I'm sorry to say. I guess their penises are so large it requires them to take up both lanes of highway by driving in the middle of the road. Seriously though...stay on your side. I think it'll be ok.

7. Turning lanes are for turning...not driving.

Please don't drive in that lane for miles and miles. That's not what it's there for, and you're going to cause an accident.

8. Are you gonna stop or not?!?

The only time you should slam your brakes is in an emergency (if you have anti-locks)...you should actually begin to slow down before you reach your stop sign or red light, you dumbass. But if you want to jack up your car, be my guest.

9. Trying to pass me? Well, we can't have that! Let me speed up!

If someone is trying to pass you, the more courteous thing would be to slow down a bit so they can safely get around you without tailgating. Apparently some people enjoy tailgaters, though...because when you attempt to pass, they suddenly realized they're late or something and decide to accelerate. So, either you have to gun it and go 90 to get around them, or you have to slow down and get back behind them. Either way, they are assholes.

10. Get off your freaking phone.

There is no excuse. If you are incapable of multi-tasking, then you need to pull over to take your phone call, or wait until you arrive at your destination, or set yourself up with blue tooth or some sort of hands-free thing. Everyone thinks they can drive while talking on their cell phones...some people even SAVE phone conversations for WHILE THEY ARE IN THE CAR. Very few people are actually capable of doing this successfully. I know, we're all guilty of it. But seriously, it needs to stop, because most people just simply cannot talk on the phone and drive at the same time. Most of the things on this list occur when people are talking on cell phones.

Those are just some of the many things I've screamed about in my car...or beat on my steering wheel because of. It's enough to make me never want to leave the house. People are trying to make it so that the driving age is increased. I don't think that's necessary at all. I think bad drivers come in all ages, and whether or not you increase the age, these assholes will still be on the road...lurking....waiting to ruin everyone's decompression drive time...and waiting for their ears to turn red from my verbal lashing.

Stay or Go?

Short post today (yes, I know it's been a while, and YES, I will really try to be better about regular postings. It's just really difficult because I'm po' and live in the stone age and don't have a functioning computer with the internets at my house, so instead of having the luxury of coming home after work, I have to go to a place with a functioning computer and internet, write the blog (which takes me over an hour usually) and then do whatever obligatory visiting is required for the blogging place in question. By that time, I don't get home until 7pm, which is a pain in my ass. Especially when not many people read this thing anyway. If more of you read and commented, it might be worth the effort. Thanks to those that frequently do. You guys own my heart. I may sound bitter. Sorry. It's really not about this. I actually really enjoy blogging. It's the important "real job" part and having to spend so much time doing it that I hate.)

Anyway, today's post is about something I often think about while watching talk shows...both daytime and night time, but particularly the night time ones.....

I judge people by whether or not they stay for the subsequent guests.

You know. When they move down a chair and stay and listen to the lesser-known or not-as-hot-right-now star gab about what they're promoting as well...

I realize some people are big shits (I meant to type "shots," but that made me laugh, so I'm rollin' with it) and have zillions of other places they could be as soon as they wrap up the interview, particularly if they're promoting a new movie, because that is always crazy and chaotic.

But c'mon man. Really? You've got more important things to do than the TONIGHT SHOW (I miss my Coco sooo soooo much)? Or Letterman? Or even effing Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? Please. Give me a freakin' break.

It's like their time is soooo soo valuable, they can't spare an additional ten minutes? Or, worse, they are such big shits (staying with it) that they couldn't POSSIBLY give up the focus of attention to someone else on national television? Couldn't possibly take a backseat for TEN FREAKING MINUTES even though they were first and we had to sit through their whole thing? Give me a break! Those egomaniacle turds should calm the eff down.

So yeah, it always makes me like someone more if they stay for the second interview. It shows that they have more character, that they care more, that they aren't so self-obsessed that they can actually sit through the cameras and questions being directed toward someone else for ten minutes. Especially in that business. The Hollywood "Look at me" business.

Recently I saw Robert Pattinson on the Tonight Show. The biggest star in the freaking universe right now. And HE freaking stayed. So, no excuses for anyone else. None.

Speaking of Rob, I've had a post about Twilight planned for a while now. Why I love to hate it. A review, of sorts. That will probably be this weekend. Still have Road Rage post and Milan Lounge post to work on as well. Plenty of stuff planned. Just have to make myself better at this regular posting thing. Sorry, guys. I promise that I'll try to be better. Stick around.