The Road Warrior...With Almost As Much Rage As Mel Gibson

Unlike many people with a work commute, I actually quite enjoy my drive time. Gives me a chance to think, listen to tunes, be alone. When I smoked, it was even more awesome. A cigarette, good music and the open road were all I needed to get my head on straight and either prepare for a day of work or unwind from a day at work.

Unfortunately, my time in the car is often RUINED by stupid jerkwads who can't drive and send me into a fit of rage.

I am usually a pretty even keel person. I don't fly off the handle too easily. It takes a lot to send me over the edge, but when I do, I TOTALLY lose it. I realize this isn't the healthy way to deal with problems, but it's how I roll...and I've tried to change, but there's just no changing it without a bunch of therapy that I can't afford. For some reason, though....when I'm in the car....it takes NOTHING to get me to this point of sheer, blind rage. I've dropped a countless number of bad words in my car. If I had a dollar for every one, I could balance the federal budget. I've cursed at everyone. Probably even you.

There are certain people who just should not be allowed to drive or should have their licenses revoked when they do these certain things. I want my relaxing drive time back.

1. Tailgaters

I hate you.

If you are legitimately trying to pass me and waiting for an opportunity to do so, that doesn't bother me as much; however, if you are just riding my ass for no apparent reason and have plenty of opportunities to pass and do not, then you deserve it when I "see a squirrel" and slam on my brakes. I have nothing to lose. Look at my car. Are you sure you want to tailgate me? It's dangerous and stupid, and if you're in that much of a hurry, then pass me already. I can't properly jam out and dance in my car with you on my ass...watching and judging me. You are destroying my road decompression time, and thereby destroying my day.

2. I'm in a hurry....no I'm not.

I don't understand it when people pass me up, only to get in front of me and go slower than I was previously going. Are you in a hurry or not? Make up your freaking mind. We are driving, not playing musical freakin chairs, asshat!

3. Any slower, and you'd be going backwards.

Geezers often drive slowly. Too slowly. If you are at the point where you can't drive faster than 40mph in a 55mph zone (or faster)...then you need to not be driving anymore.

Also, people who are hauling things or doing their farm work during peak traffic times. I am trying to get to work on time or get home at a reasonable hour. You couldn't have done this ANY EARLIER or ANY LATER? You really had to move this trailer at 5pm on a weekday? Really? I hate you.

4. Next time I see you, you're going to be a greasy skid mark on the pavement.

I always say a little prayer when someone on a motorcycle or crotch rocket passes me going at least a hundo. Obviously they are already brian damaged...perhaps from previous head injuries sustained in crashes? Slow down. People have a hard time seeing 2-wheeled vehicles anyway, let alone when they come up on you from out of nowhere and then pass you like you're standing still.

Really though, I think driving super fast is crazy and stupid and a good way to get someone killed (but probably not yourself, because stupid people often have some kind of cat-like, nine-lived indestructability). You don't have to go thirty miles over the speed limit if it's not an emergency. The grocery store will still be there even if you get their five minutes later.

5. People who don't understand right-of-way.

You obviously passed the test at the DMV. If you don't know the rules, how did you get a license? STUDY. Two way stops are THE WORST for this. Nobody knows what to do, and then people try to let each other go, which causes more confusion, then everyone tries to go at the same time...then by the time you figure it out, there are cars coming. LEARN THE RULES! There's nothing that makes me angrier than when it's someone else's turn and they try to wave me through. You don't know the rules, and I don't trust you. How do I know you won't hit me? Ugh. So, for this reason, I try to avoid two way stops whenever possible.

6. Here in the U.S., we drive on the right side of the road.

This is usually a dude thing, I'm sorry to say. I guess their penises are so large it requires them to take up both lanes of highway by driving in the middle of the road. Seriously though...stay on your side. I think it'll be ok.

7. Turning lanes are for turning...not driving.

Please don't drive in that lane for miles and miles. That's not what it's there for, and you're going to cause an accident.

8. Are you gonna stop or not?!?

The only time you should slam your brakes is in an emergency (if you have anti-locks)...you should actually begin to slow down before you reach your stop sign or red light, you dumbass. But if you want to jack up your car, be my guest.

9. Trying to pass me? Well, we can't have that! Let me speed up!

If someone is trying to pass you, the more courteous thing would be to slow down a bit so they can safely get around you without tailgating. Apparently some people enjoy tailgaters, though...because when you attempt to pass, they suddenly realized they're late or something and decide to accelerate. So, either you have to gun it and go 90 to get around them, or you have to slow down and get back behind them. Either way, they are assholes.

10. Get off your freaking phone.

There is no excuse. If you are incapable of multi-tasking, then you need to pull over to take your phone call, or wait until you arrive at your destination, or set yourself up with blue tooth or some sort of hands-free thing. Everyone thinks they can drive while talking on their cell phones...some people even SAVE phone conversations for WHILE THEY ARE IN THE CAR. Very few people are actually capable of doing this successfully. I know, we're all guilty of it. But seriously, it needs to stop, because most people just simply cannot talk on the phone and drive at the same time. Most of the things on this list occur when people are talking on cell phones.

Those are just some of the many things I've screamed about in my car...or beat on my steering wheel because of. It's enough to make me never want to leave the house. People are trying to make it so that the driving age is increased. I don't think that's necessary at all. I think bad drivers come in all ages, and whether or not you increase the age, these assholes will still be on the road...lurking....waiting to ruin everyone's decompression drive time...and waiting for their ears to turn red from my verbal lashing.

The Importance of Cheese

Let me first wish Johnny Depp a very happy birthday today. 47 years young and still the best example of pure, concentrated awesomeness that has ever existed. I love him. Yeah yeah, he's cute and all that...but he also exudes charm and cool and always does and says and wears interesting things. Just a friggin awesome human being. Someone who actually belongs here and isn't just taking up skin. Ok, I'm done.

Anyway... today's entry is about cheese, since cheese keeps interjecting itself into my day today.

Ahh, cheese. Glorious cheese. There are few finer things to me than cheese. I like all kinds. I like fake process cheese food products. I like the finest French cheeses. Hard cheese, soft cheese, melted cheese. ALL delicious. Except for cheese sauce that is made from a powder or comes in a large can. That is the only cheese I am not a fan of. Give me cheese...not cheese sauce....unless the cheese sauce is made from melted cheese....


Which brings me to the highest and most exalted of all cheeses in the my cheese hierarchy....queso dip. I'm not talking about that shit you buy in a can at 7-11. I'm talking about delicious Mexican restaurant queso. Being a fatty, I would swim in a vat of queso until I got queso ear. I could drink it out of a dish. I eat it not only on chips, but on other items of foodage that I order from Mexican restaurants. It is the stuff dreams are made of. Queso...the true nectar of the gods (it's sorta liquidy....so I guess nectar rather than ambrosia?).

Anyway, I've been doing pretty well with the not consuming everything in sight thing since I've quit smoking (today is day five....the days in general are getting easier, but when those urges kick in, I still want to kill someone). So today, I decided to reward myself with a special queso treat from El Tapitio. So yummeh, right? Yeah...yeah it is.

So I get my delicious queso and salsa and chippies....get in my car to go back to work with it, and begin my very careful drive back. That means taking curves and turns carefully, avoiding bumps, not changing lanes, etc.-to avoid queso and salsa spillage.

So wouldn't you know that some half-witted, probably drunk, crusty loser shit for brains fuckface (scuse the language, but that's nothing compared to what I screamed at him in my car) had to be on the road near me as well. We KNEW this was going to happen, right? So he decides to drive like a dumbass (get almost all the way into the left lane before making a right hand turn in his freaking TOYOTA TACOMA....IT IS NOT A SEMI, YOU MORON!, speed up and slow down, swerve, and participate in other acts of road-losery). Then came the kicker. I was trying to be good and get away from him by getting around him on a two-lane road. I'm in the left, he's in the right. So I speed up a bit...and then just as I'm right beside him, he decides to put his blinker on and attempt to get over - almost hitting me. I had to slam on my brakes to avoid a collision, sending my queso container flying onto the floorboard of my car. Don't mess with my queso, dude. I'm a hungry chunky chick...I just quit smoking...I've been in a very violent mood for the past few days...and all I wanted was queso. If it would have spilled, I may have followed him to wherever he was going and slung some eff words at him (or beat him with my purse). But, since it didn't spill, I did what any self-respecting lady would do in the same situation....I honked my horn like a banshee and flipped him off while clearly mouthing a stream of obscenities. He turned off after that. Road rage WIN!

And I still got to enjoy my queso! So...all in all, not a bad day for the Noonies.

Oh, and I almost forgot! I got so caught up in the queso road rage story that I was about to forget to show you guys this! (for those of you who haven't already heard about this life-altering piece of amazingness!)

Effective July 1st, Subway will begin tessellating their isosceles cheese slices for more even sandwich coverage! Fatties of the world REJOICE! Hahaha.

And on a final note, today's queso incident was not an isolated bad driver encounter. Tomorrow (or whenever), I plan to concoct a blog about all of the causes of my violent road rage, so stay tuned, because that one should be fun (and hopefully interactive....be sure to leave your comments below!)