Poo Styles of the Rich and Famous

I had a Facebook status about this a while back, but as a connoisseur of the disgusting, I figured I should dedicate a full blog entry to this thought:

Celebritity poop.

I am seriously quite curious as to how this works for them. They're always out and about - talk shows, award shows, on the set of a movie or TV show, nightclubs, coffee shops, restaurants, shopping, etc. Yet you never hear stories of any of them totally destroying a bathroom's integrity.

I got a comment in my status entry about how you have to eat enough to have a proper shit. While this may be true, I think most famous people actually eat...but what they eat (and ... let's just say "consume") only adds fuel to my curiosity about this less-than-glamorous topic.

Let's start with the obvious - Gwyneth. On her website, she's always talking about these detoxifying, "cleansing" diets she's on. Basically, these diets entail eating stuff that makes you "shit like a pet coon" as my dad would say, in order to cleanse the colon and make you more energetic and lively. That's great and all...but seriously...if she does these cleanses so much, and probably keeps up with the legumes, bran, leafy greens and stuff. I'm just sayin' - her poops must be epic.

A lot of them are on macrobiotics and other diets like that that involve lots of "cleansing" foods. I wouldn't be able to leave my house.

Then, of course, there's the other side of the celebrity spectrum. Those on the booze and drug diet.

Let me first say that I've followed the good advice of the older, wiser people in my life and have never touched the hard stuff, nor do I ever plan to...but I've lived in a city known for rampant use of hard drugs. I've seen it....I know people that partake, and I've heard plenty of stories about what many of those hard drugs do to the bowels and digestive system, and it ain't pretty.

And even for those of us who haven't experienced that first hand - I think we've all been there after a night of boozing. I won't get too graphic...but y'all know what I mean.

Then the coffee! They are forever photographed with a freakin' latte in their hands. Once again - a main ingredient for an extra large colon jolt.

And finally, the cigarettes. I know not as many celebrities smoke now as they did in years past, especially not when they are going to be photographed, but I'm pretty sure a good number of them still smoke. And nothing kickstarts the bowels like a morning cigarette. Especially when accompanied by coffee.

So how, when you mix the "cleansing" diets, the alcohol, the drugs, the coffee and the cigarettes, are these people not walking doodoo machines? Seriously? How are they not having to #2 every single place they go?

Are there confidentiality agreements involved? "Sorry I bombed your bathroom. Sign this paper please. If you tell anyone about this, I'll see your ass in court." ????

Do they have their assistants pretend to be the offenders? "If you pretend it was you, I'll give you first dibs at the gift tent." ????

Do they leave whatever function they were attending to go to a more secure location to poop?

And don't give me the whole, "Maybe people don't care." or "Maybe people are just too sophisticated to comment on things like that," because that's malarky. We are treated to much more offensive and disgusting information about these people all the time. You're telling me we can all see a shot of Britney's hoo-ha when she gets out of a car, but a story about her dropping a deuce is just too personal and too much to bear?

We can hear Jessica Simpson talk about how she rarely brushes her teeth. We can see hundreds of these people's sex tapes (some of which involve much nastier stuff than a story about pooping in a public bathroom). We can see Fergie's crotch shot from when she allegedly pissed her pants on stage. We can see a photo of Lindsay Lohan, straw in hand, lines on mirror, when she's just missed a court date and, rather than flushing turds, is flushing her life down the toilet. We can watch Kate Gosselin do whatever the hell this is. We can watch Jon Gosselin be Jon Gosselin. And we can see pretty much all the way down into the depths of Paris Hilton's vagina canyon (if we wanted to...which I don't. Hence the lack of link).

Yet, poop stories are unheard of.

I, for one, would rather hear a funny story about a celeb makin' turds than I would see any of the above. But maybe that's just me.

Farts Will Always Be Hilarious

Now that I have a basically serious job in the health care realm...I'm starting to realize more and more that people are not too keen on potty humor...

I read an article recently about how "shocking" branding is becoming more popular in the health care industry. The examples in the article were some rough sketches for a gastroenterology facility that incorporated butts and toilet paper and things like that in the logo. That was considered super cutting-edge.

As a frequent crosser of the "too gross" line, I sometimes have trouble with the boundaries of what is acceptable to society when it comes to that kinda stuff...and what is not.

I get it. People don't want to be grossed out. But seriously...people should get over it. It's like the book says...Everyone Poops. Are you really that offended by something that you are a daily (hopefully...otherwise you should see Jamie Lee about her yogurt) participant in? Grab a heaping bowl of Colon Blow and read on...

There are few things in this world that are funnier than a good poop joke. My sister, who is a flippin' medical doctor, once said, "It doesn't matter who you are. Farts are funny." And damnit, she's right. Farts are funny.

I'm not sure what sort of sense of humor a poop joke-teller would be classified under. It wouldn't be a "dry" sense of humor...so......wet? (sorry.)

But seriously....it never gets old. One of my favorite examples is the Fat Bastard fart scene from Austin Powers In Goldmember. It's glorious. (For you, Duckit.)

Then there's the classic.

And this classic, too.

At this point, don't most of us think this stuff is funny? Maybe I just have a juvenile sense of humor. But I'd certainly rather my entertainment be more of the childish, doodie joke variety than the depressing.

Some examples:

I hated Atonement, Legends of the Fall (stills only, please...I can't even watch it on mute...still too depressing), Requiem for a Dream (eeesh), The English Patient, most every war movie, effing 21 Grams, Seven Pounds (sorry, Duckit), etc. etc. etc. In fact, the movies on that list are so depressing that it almost becomes comical. Like, "Oh, what now...is the pregnant young wife gonna get hit with a ricocheted bullet and die?" and then BAM! Pregnant young wife gets hit with ricocheted bullet and dies.

Life is depressing enough. I don't need movies to bring me down. And, really, I don't even mind so much if it's at least slightly balanced with funny or happy stuff. And REALLY funny or happy stuff. I'm not talking about when little girls are dancing through a field of flowers in one of those heavily-music-ified scenes where you know that's the end of the goodness and something terrible is about to happen. I'm talking about this.

That is all. Thanks for reading. Talk to y'all tomorrow. And poop on!