This Is How We Do It

Wanted to share some fun photos from a shopping excursion my friends and I recently took (ok ok...it was a few weekends ago at this point. I'm neglecting the blog. I'm sawwy.) to a magical discount clothing outlet in an even more dazzling place - the Alexandria Mall.

My friends and I, we've often done this thing when shopping where we pick out the ugliest crap we can find and try it on. It was especially fun when shopping for formal wear when we were looking for prom attire in high school. (Boy do I wish I had some of THOSE pictures of my friend Lauren. Horrible old lady formal dress. Horrible hooker formal dress. Gooood stuff!) But it's still fun today with "casual" or "dressy casual" clothing.

So where do we begin...

While perusing the jackets, I came across a color that is usually reserved for old Mawmaws. What a delightful shade of corpse this was!

But, much to our dismay, it didn't look as horrendous on me as it did on the rack. (Probably because I'm so pale, that the corpse-like color actually made me look a little alive?) It actually looked sorta good....so good, in fact, that I ended up buying the same jacket in a slightly bigger size (obviously...fatty alert!) and a different color (brown). (Leave me alone, it may be slightly Michael Jackson-y sans zippers, but it was only $13).

This brings me to the next beautiful item on the agenda....The Pink Pleather Shirt.

I don't know what kind of 80s stylish secretary hell this thing came from, but I've never tried anything on that breathed LESS than this thing did. As soon as I put it on, my body temp increased to about 195 degrees. Not cool indeed! But it's SO FLATTERING! Especially with my hawt double chins! You pay a price for being this sexy....

Actually, you pay the price not only in sweat, but also in cash. I am most certainly a bargain shopper and have a hard time spending more than $30 on any single piece of clothing because I'm poor and would rather spend money on important things like food (fatty!) and booze. This pink horror was actually the most expensive thing I tried on all day, believe it or not. It was right at $30. NO THANK YOU.

Finally, what Pink Pleather Shirt could possibly be properly accentuated without fancy, designer juhree from the famous Charles Klein. Calvin wishes he were as stylish and fabulous as his fancy brother Charles. Calvin ain't got shit on Charles.

And pink plastic "pearls" are so hot right now. Lauren knows.

Finally, to complete the entire ensemble....we need shoes. And not just any shoes would do. We needed Shoe Sextacy. We needed ....THESE!!

Hope you guys got a little joy out of this. Sorry the photos are so small (well...some of them at least...like the shoes). Computer is being wonky and not uploading properly, so could only do small ones.

H-Town Fanciness.

So I am currently in Houston with the fam for 4th of July weekend/niece's birthday celebration. Good times. We went shopping at the Galleria today - the Galleria....the huge, fancy pants Houston shopping mall.

Now I'm not going to post a huge long thing about it, but I thought it was slightly hysterical when compared to the other blog I'm working on (with pics! so stay tuned) about my previous shopping excursion to the Alexandria mall.

I'd previously been to the Galleria only once on a field trip, so we didn't really venture too far from the food court and skating rink. This time we went into lots of stores, though. And they have all of the full blown luxury stores here. Louis Vuitton, Armani, Chanel, Gucci, etc. Some, like Burberry, which I LOVE, I couldn't even go into. I just stood by the window, admiring the cute stuff. I love plaid. I love big coats. I love Burberry. But even if I had enough money to buy the whole store, I don't know if I could ever justify doing it.

It's weird...there are definitely inherent cultural differences between the way I live and the way Houstonians live. I read something about how people from Houston spend more money per capita at restaurants each year than residents of any other city in the country. That's just the first difference of many.

I guess people just make a lot more money here and like to spend a lot more of it than what I'm used to. It's quite bizarre to me, though. I can't even fathom being rich enough to be able to throw down thousands of dollars on something I'm going to WEAR. Then you have to murder someone when it gets stained/broken/ruined. I mean....it's stuff! I know it's nice to look nice and nice to have nice things...but seriously!? For that pair of shoes, you could pay for a year of some colleges. You could feed a hundred hungry people. You could fly round-trip to some fabulous destination.

Anyway...we came across a shoe store called "Gregory"...which we had to go into because my nephew's name is Gregory....and because we saw the window display of the horrible stripper heels and figured we had to get a closer look...

Something else I hate about shopping in fancy stores is that the people that work there will not stop harassing and hovering over you. I realize they work on commission (PRETTY WOMAN!), but give me a freaking break! Maybe I just looked like I was gonna try to steal something...ANYWAY....

We went into Gregory, and started pointing and looking and commenting on how terrible some of the stripper heels were....and then the sales girl let us know about their big sale.

Y'all ready for this?

Strappy, two-inch platform, fug-ass shoes. They look about Payless-quality-only uglier - ....and they're having a BIG SALE!......

And this bitch says, "Three pairs for twelve hundred."

COME AGAIN? $1,200? Like yen? Or like American dollars? I can get the same shit at Frederick's of Hollywood for less than five hundred fa sho. Sales girl must have lost her mind.

Which got us thinking....

What sort of woman who can afford to spend $400 on a pair of shoes would buy THESE shoes? It must be far more expensive to be a stripper than I thought. Or, I don't know...does Houston have "escort" services? Maybe THAT's who shops there.

People be crazy. And people be spendin too much money on crazy, unimportant things.

That is all for today. If I don't post again until then, I hope everyone has a very Happy 4th!

Why Do Rednecks Like This Stuff?

Ahh, rednecks. So much to love. So much to hate. And so much I don't understand.

There are a few pieces of redneck memorobilia that I just don't get. Why are these things enjoyable? Why are they must-haves? What is the purpose of these things?

Allow me to explore a few of these little tidbits of redneck life...

1. My main purpose for writing a post on this topic is the testicle-like accesories that many of these folks choose to hang from their trailer hitches.

Why? No...really...I'd love to know why. Is this a symbol of PURE MASCULINITY? Like..."I'm a man. And my truck is a man. Check out its nutsack." I mean, if that's the case, then why not go HUGE and paint a giant scrotum on your tailgate? Or put a giant weiner as a hood ornament? Many of them have already gone obnoxiously huge as far as tire size or truck volume, so what's one more obnoxious vehicular adjustment?

2. Larry the Cable Guy
I know. He has legions of fans. People love him. I just don't think he's funny. Like, at all. The jokes are all the most obvious kinda stuff you'd hear from any local redneck. His timing is terrible. I just don't get it. Now Ron White...HE is funny. I'd take Ron White over Larry the Cable Guy any day. This also goes for the phrase "Git 'Er Dun!" or however that nonsense is spelled.

3. The "other" vehicular decorations.
This is all the other stuff rednecks like to decorate their cars with. Giant decals and bumper stickers with their names and other information that no one else cares about and totally shines a spotlight on their ignorance. Like whether or not they are "Skeered." At least Bud and Sissy had license plates. I also don't think that having three-foot praying hands on your back glass means that you're a religious person. In fact, it probably means you have something to prove, and therefore, I do not trust you.

4. The clothes.
Ok, now I'm certainly not trying to be a snob here. I understand that it's hard to afford the latest fashions. I don't dress like a movie star either. But come on, man. Don't buy white boots if you plan on wearing them every day for the next several years. They don't hold up well. Also, why did redneck fashion stop at various points in the 70s and 80s? The acid wash. The airbrushed t-shirts. The tight, floral pants. Oy vey. It's too much to bear.

5. The lady beautification.
Again, this is not my domain. I'm of more of the "I don't care" philosophy, but I do know a thing or two about how to get pretty when necessary, and it doesn't involve a can of Aqua Net and back-combing my bangs. Or uncomfortably long Lee Press On Nails.

6. The art
Velvet paintings. There was obviously a first person to take a piece of velvet and say, "this is so nice and plush...I think I'll stretch it out and use it as a canvas." Who was this person? I want a name. Velvet paintings are also almost always of hilarious subjects. Like panthers and other jungle cats. They are actually so bad that, for me, they've gone back to good again. I recently saw a velvet painting of an old hillbilly drinking something moonshine-esque out of a jug, and I really, really want it. If I ever get enough money to own and decorate my own home one day, it will be filled with hilarious things of that sort. Like this gem. OMG I must have this.

My apologies to any of you reading this that may have or enjoy any of the aforementioned things. Just let me know when, and I'll get you a little something for your suffering.