Lucifer Loves People Magazine

Has anyone ever successfully cancelled a magazine subscription? It's not as easy as you might think.

A couple of months ago, I took a little Books-A-Million detour after work to get something new to read that didn't involve staring at a glowing screen well into the evening (like I do all day). I don't understand the concept of e-books, really. I know, I know...save paper and everything. But there's nothing like an actual, tangible book. That smooth crackle of a turned page. It's a beautiful thing. One of my besties, Allison, loves the way books smell. I'm kinda down with that, too...but I digress...

Upon checkout at Books-A-Million, I was tricked into getting "free" subscriptions to People and Time. The fine print would later tell me that I would get six weeks free, after which I would be alerted of imminent charges to my account to continue receiving the magazines. I really should have known better, right?

I never got any sort of alert. And they kept sending the damn magazines.

Now comes the fun part. You can't cancel these things online. You must do it by phone. And, to my chagrin, it's one of those automated things where the Ladybot talks to you. At the beginning of the call, they pretend to give you the option of pushing numbers instead of having to attempt to get Ladybot to understand your vocal commands. After about the second question, though, that all goes down the toilet. By then you're nice and fired up, and proceed to scream at Ladybot. She seems to respond better to screaming than normal speech. Is Ladybot a masochist, or a very clever sadist? We will soon find the answer....

I'm sure it was youtube-worthy....my bitch session with Ladybot while trying to cancel my subscriptions. Ladybot is a cold, calculating shrew. Each "I'm sorry...I didn't understand you" coming from her end of the phone made me want to give up and launch my fist through a window. But I could not. I was on a mission. They would not keep sending me those damn magazines.

What you also may not know if you've never tried to cancel a subscription is that Ladybot (or Manbot...whichever yours may be) will do everything in her (his) power to trick you into keeping that subscription alive. They offer you gas cards, frequent flier miles, more free magazines, Malibu condos (Ok, I made that last one up...but you get the idea). And they ask you thinks in a very sneaky, inverse way. "Are you sure you would not like to cancel your subscription?" ...that sorta shit. It almost got Yoda-bad. "Not cancel the subscription you will?" By the end (and it takes about 15 - 20 minutes) you've got a brain like day-old grits and you can't remember if you messed up and told them you'd like the "free" Malibu beach condo.

Anyway....I'm still getting magazines, and at this point I'm not entirely sure it's worth the 40 bucks a year (or whatever) to go through that again. You're a worthy adversary, Ladybot, and you have beaten me.