Defensive Sleeping

Most of you in serious relationships and/or marriages probably know this all too well...

Sometimes sleeping with your significant other (I'm not talking about sexy times...just sleepy times) can be lovely and comforting, but for some, it can also cause severe bodily harm or deep emotional scars.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not exactly a sound, motionless sleeper myself. I do a lot of tossing and turning, shifting around, elbow jamming in the back, leg crossing (it's weird, but when I sleep on my back, I prop one foot up atop the other bent knee...like sitting cross-legged while laying down. It's super bizarre) etc. But I've had the occasional bit of bad luck with the significant other sleepage, and I've heard stories from friends who have as well, so here's a few of the worst offenders:

Let's start with the Sleepwalker. They are the worst. The incidents are usually scary at the time, but hilarious in hindsight. Especially when they involve sleepwalking with urination. Especially when that urination happens in a very inopportune place like a closet, a chair, a dresser drawer, in the oven, etc. They say you should never wake a sleepwalker because it's traumatizing for them. Ok then...let me go pee in your oven and see how you react, you PC dumbass. Not only will I wake the sleepwalker's ass up, but my wakeup tactic will probably involve screaming, kicking and/or punching. (if you've never tried...it's often very very difficult to wake a sleepwalker, plus it's hard to remain calm when someone is juggling knives or attempting a flight of stairs or peeing all over the house).

Then there's the Sleeptalker. In my experience, it's always a bunch of nonsense gibberish...not really like it is on the movies where people divulge deep, dark secrets or embarrassing stuff. It's just a random word thrown into a bunch of "mmmahhha whaahsithsi cohhhh." Usually pretty harmless, but still strange and potentially annoying.

And that brings me to the Snorer, which, depending on the volume, pitch and timbre of the snore, can either be quite soothing or the worst offender on this list. Sometimes it's nice and repetitive and melodic and can actually help you sleep...like a washing machine. But damn the snores with the rattles, gurgles, pops, and sudden bursts of insane volume that not only wakes you up, but startles you so much that you have to make a bathroom trip. Those snore bursts usually wake up the snorer as well, but they don't realize that...they think YOU woke them up with your bathroom escapades. Because everyone sooo loves getting up out of a dead sleep to walk along the cold floor and try not to run into anything or stub a toe on their way to the bathroom. Maybe you turn a light on in that scenario. I never do. Turning a light when it's still dark outside after a heavy sleep is too much like morning death. I can't handle it. It's jarring and horrendous. As bad as the snore burst - perhaps worse.

The Sweater is up next. In the wintertime, this is fantastic. When your bedroom is warmer than 60 degrees, though...not so great. And, if for some reason the Sweater also likes to snuggle, morning showers rather than night ones become an absolute necessity. Nothing says love like being glued together by heat and sweat throughout the night. Basking in the ambiance. Basking in the ambiance.

Finally, there's the Wrestler. Not "restless" but "wrestler." Restless is not a strong enough word to describe some of the crazy street fighting that can happen in the bed. It's a guerrilla war zone. Hand to hand combat. Better file down your toothbrush and make a shank, because it gets ugly in there. They sit up and then come crashing down, slamming their head into your face or body. They flail about, sending flying elbows and fists all over you like a hail of gunfire. They kick. They shove. They don't stop until they've taken up the entire bed with their shenanigans. And, worst of all, they sleep like baby rosie-cheeked cherub angels the entire time. Bastards.

These things usually spark some sort of retaliation on the part of the poor significant other who has to endure it. (Unless they, themselves are cherub angels...in which case...stop reading this blog.) So then of course there's some name-calling, aggressive eye-for-an-eye action, more elbow throwing...etc.

I think what I may start doing instead is propping myself up slightly and staring at him with cold burning hatred for as long as it takes. Like the scary possessed lady on Paranormal Activity did in that one scene, except I won't actually get out of bed because I'm lazy and am not actually possessed by a demon (ok, like five days a month, tops). Maybe just a light touch on the face to wake him up. Then when he wakes up, act like I had no idea I was staring at him like I was trying to eat his soul...

...It's just something weird I do in my sleep.