This Is How We Do It

Wanted to share some fun photos from a shopping excursion my friends and I recently took (ok ok...it was a few weekends ago at this point. I'm neglecting the blog. I'm sawwy.) to a magical discount clothing outlet in an even more dazzling place - the Alexandria Mall.

My friends and I, we've often done this thing when shopping where we pick out the ugliest crap we can find and try it on. It was especially fun when shopping for formal wear when we were looking for prom attire in high school. (Boy do I wish I had some of THOSE pictures of my friend Lauren. Horrible old lady formal dress. Horrible hooker formal dress. Gooood stuff!) But it's still fun today with "casual" or "dressy casual" clothing.

So where do we begin...

While perusing the jackets, I came across a color that is usually reserved for old Mawmaws. What a delightful shade of corpse this was!

But, much to our dismay, it didn't look as horrendous on me as it did on the rack. (Probably because I'm so pale, that the corpse-like color actually made me look a little alive?) It actually looked sorta good....so good, in fact, that I ended up buying the same jacket in a slightly bigger size (obviously...fatty alert!) and a different color (brown). (Leave me alone, it may be slightly Michael Jackson-y sans zippers, but it was only $13).

This brings me to the next beautiful item on the agenda....The Pink Pleather Shirt.

I don't know what kind of 80s stylish secretary hell this thing came from, but I've never tried anything on that breathed LESS than this thing did. As soon as I put it on, my body temp increased to about 195 degrees. Not cool indeed! But it's SO FLATTERING! Especially with my hawt double chins! You pay a price for being this sexy....

Actually, you pay the price not only in sweat, but also in cash. I am most certainly a bargain shopper and have a hard time spending more than $30 on any single piece of clothing because I'm poor and would rather spend money on important things like food (fatty!) and booze. This pink horror was actually the most expensive thing I tried on all day, believe it or not. It was right at $30. NO THANK YOU.

Finally, what Pink Pleather Shirt could possibly be properly accentuated without fancy, designer juhree from the famous Charles Klein. Calvin wishes he were as stylish and fabulous as his fancy brother Charles. Calvin ain't got shit on Charles.

And pink plastic "pearls" are so hot right now. Lauren knows.

Finally, to complete the entire ensemble....we need shoes. And not just any shoes would do. We needed Shoe Sextacy. We needed ....THESE!!

Hope you guys got a little joy out of this. Sorry the photos are so small (well...some of them at least...like the shoes). Computer is being wonky and not uploading properly, so could only do small ones.

The Importance of Cheese

Let me first wish Johnny Depp a very happy birthday today. 47 years young and still the best example of pure, concentrated awesomeness that has ever existed. I love him. Yeah yeah, he's cute and all that...but he also exudes charm and cool and always does and says and wears interesting things. Just a friggin awesome human being. Someone who actually belongs here and isn't just taking up skin. Ok, I'm done.

Anyway... today's entry is about cheese, since cheese keeps interjecting itself into my day today.

Ahh, cheese. Glorious cheese. There are few finer things to me than cheese. I like all kinds. I like fake process cheese food products. I like the finest French cheeses. Hard cheese, soft cheese, melted cheese. ALL delicious. Except for cheese sauce that is made from a powder or comes in a large can. That is the only cheese I am not a fan of. Give me cheese...not cheese sauce....unless the cheese sauce is made from melted cheese....


Which brings me to the highest and most exalted of all cheeses in the my cheese hierarchy....queso dip. I'm not talking about that shit you buy in a can at 7-11. I'm talking about delicious Mexican restaurant queso. Being a fatty, I would swim in a vat of queso until I got queso ear. I could drink it out of a dish. I eat it not only on chips, but on other items of foodage that I order from Mexican restaurants. It is the stuff dreams are made of. Queso...the true nectar of the gods (it's sorta liquidy....so I guess nectar rather than ambrosia?).

Anyway, I've been doing pretty well with the not consuming everything in sight thing since I've quit smoking (today is day five....the days in general are getting easier, but when those urges kick in, I still want to kill someone). So today, I decided to reward myself with a special queso treat from El Tapitio. So yummeh, right? Yeah...yeah it is.

So I get my delicious queso and salsa and chippies....get in my car to go back to work with it, and begin my very careful drive back. That means taking curves and turns carefully, avoiding bumps, not changing lanes, etc.-to avoid queso and salsa spillage.

So wouldn't you know that some half-witted, probably drunk, crusty loser shit for brains fuckface (scuse the language, but that's nothing compared to what I screamed at him in my car) had to be on the road near me as well. We KNEW this was going to happen, right? So he decides to drive like a dumbass (get almost all the way into the left lane before making a right hand turn in his freaking TOYOTA TACOMA....IT IS NOT A SEMI, YOU MORON!, speed up and slow down, swerve, and participate in other acts of road-losery). Then came the kicker. I was trying to be good and get away from him by getting around him on a two-lane road. I'm in the left, he's in the right. So I speed up a bit...and then just as I'm right beside him, he decides to put his blinker on and attempt to get over - almost hitting me. I had to slam on my brakes to avoid a collision, sending my queso container flying onto the floorboard of my car. Don't mess with my queso, dude. I'm a hungry chunky chick...I just quit smoking...I've been in a very violent mood for the past few days...and all I wanted was queso. If it would have spilled, I may have followed him to wherever he was going and slung some eff words at him (or beat him with my purse). But, since it didn't spill, I did what any self-respecting lady would do in the same situation....I honked my horn like a banshee and flipped him off while clearly mouthing a stream of obscenities. He turned off after that. Road rage WIN!

And I still got to enjoy my queso! So...all in all, not a bad day for the Noonies.

Oh, and I almost forgot! I got so caught up in the queso road rage story that I was about to forget to show you guys this! (for those of you who haven't already heard about this life-altering piece of amazingness!)

Effective July 1st, Subway will begin tessellating their isosceles cheese slices for more even sandwich coverage! Fatties of the world REJOICE! Hahaha.

And on a final note, today's queso incident was not an isolated bad driver encounter. Tomorrow (or whenever), I plan to concoct a blog about all of the causes of my violent road rage, so stay tuned, because that one should be fun (and hopefully interactive....be sure to leave your comments below!)