Ahh, rednecks. So much to love. So much to hate. And so much I don't understand.
There are a few pieces of redneck memorobilia that I just don't get. Why are these things enjoyable? Why are they must-haves? What is the purpose of these things?
Allow me to explore a few of these little tidbits of redneck life...
1. My main purpose for writing a post on this topic is the testicle-like accesories that many of these folks choose to hang from their trailer hitches.
Why? No...really...I'd love to know why. Is this a symbol of PURE MASCULINITY? Like..."I'm a man. And my truck is a man. Check out its nutsack." I mean, if that's the case, then why not go HUGE and paint a giant scrotum on your tailgate? Or put a giant weiner as a hood ornament? Many of them have already gone obnoxiously huge as far as tire size or truck volume, so what's one more obnoxious vehicular adjustment?
2. Larry the Cable Guy
I know. He has legions of fans. People love him. I just don't think he's funny. Like, at all. The jokes are all the most obvious kinda stuff you'd hear from any local redneck. His timing is terrible. I just don't get it. Now Ron White...HE is funny. I'd take Ron White over Larry the Cable Guy any day. This also goes for the phrase "Git 'Er Dun!" or however that nonsense is spelled.
3. The "other" vehicular decorations.
This is all the other stuff rednecks like to decorate their cars with. Giant decals and bumper stickers with their names and other information that no one else cares about and totally shines a spotlight on their ignorance. Like whether or not they are "Skeered." At least Bud and Sissy had license plates. I also don't think that having three-foot praying hands on your back glass means that you're a religious person. In fact, it probably means you have something to prove, and therefore, I do not trust you.
4. The clothes.
Ok, now I'm certainly not trying to be a snob here. I understand that it's hard to afford the latest fashions. I don't dress like a movie star either. But come on, man. Don't buy white boots if you plan on wearing them every day for the next several years. They don't hold up well. Also, why did redneck fashion stop at various points in the 70s and 80s? The acid wash. The airbrushed t-shirts. The tight, floral pants. Oy vey. It's too much to bear.
5. The lady beautification.
Again, this is not my domain. I'm of more of the "I don't care" philosophy, but I do know a thing or two about how to get pretty when necessary, and it doesn't involve a can of Aqua Net and back-combing my bangs. Or uncomfortably long Lee Press On Nails.
6. The art
Velvet paintings. There was obviously a first person to take a piece of velvet and say, "this is so nice and plush...I think I'll stretch it out and use it as a canvas." Who was this person? I want a name. Velvet paintings are also almost always of hilarious subjects. Like panthers and other jungle cats. They are actually so bad that, for me, they've gone back to good again. I recently saw a velvet painting of an old hillbilly drinking something moonshine-esque out of a jug, and I really, really want it. If I ever get enough money to own and decorate my own home one day, it will be filled with hilarious things of that sort. Like this gem. OMG I must have this.
My apologies to any of you reading this that may have or enjoy any of the aforementioned things. Just let me know when, and I'll get you a little something for your suffering.
Showing posts with label dollar store. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dollar store. Show all posts
May 27, 2010
May 17, 2010
Gee...Thanks.
It's hard to pick out a good gift for someone. What I often do is buy the person in question something that I want and then get super mad when they aren't as excited about it as I would have been and tell myself that I should have kept it and gotten them the cheaper gift I originally had in mind. (I never express this outwardly, of course...what kind of a heartless shrew would I be if I did that?)
But seriously...gifts are super weird. At what point did it become necessary to give gifts for so many things? Christmas, birthday, graduation, retirement, new house, anniversary, wedding, baby, just "because." It's too much.
And rather than acknowledging that it's all too much, and that, if I never speak to you anymore, I probably don't want to give you a pricey gift nor do I expect one from you - we keep the gift-giving tradition alive. And some are even passive-aggressive about it. Like when people re-gift....or when they give stupid old crap that was clearly free (or darn close to it) and that has absolutely nothing to do with your personality or the occasion. Like dollar store shower gel that smells like old lady armpit. Nobody wants that shit. Nobody. I think there is a certain point where "It's the thought that counts," just isn't true. What does it say to you if I'd give you some stank ass shower gel? It either says, "I hate you and this is what you deserve." Or "I totally forgot about this, so I stopped at the dollar store on the way over here and grabbed the cheapest and first thing I saw." At that point...seriously...don't bother. Even just a card with a nice sentiment and nothing else inside is better than that crap. I would rather have nothing than mystery shower gel that's been collecting dust on a dollar store shelf for 12 years and smells like gardenias and minge.
It's also just as uncomfortable when people give really inappropriate gifts of the other end of the spectrum...too familiar...too pricey...too much.
Like, if it's someone you don't know that well...don't effing buy them clothes. I've gotten some of the most laughably bad clothing as gifts from people who barely know me at all. I won't go into specifics because I don't want to offend anyone...but unless you know someone super well (and even then, it's a stretch...unless it's a baby because they can't yet choose their own wardrobe) don't get them clothing....
And it's also just as tacky to get some lavash, extravagant gift when you don't know the person that well. If you have to look up their phone number, don't drop hundos or thous. I don't care how rich and fabulous you are. Well....maybe not. Maybe if I were rich and fabulous I would buy a bunch of ridiculously expensive stuff for people I don't really care about. I can't say what I would do...because I've never been there.
I've also recently become aware of websites that offer "Gift Ideas" for various "types" of people. These suggestions are rarely very good and also almost always suggest things that are stupid expensive. What to get the gadget guru? An iPad! At the bargain price of $800! While you're at it, get him started with several e-books! Only five bucks a piece! And make sure he's got the best photos with his new fancy pants camera...only $1,700! That's not a gift. That's a mortgage payment. That's a used car (a crappy one, but still). That's a new wardrobe.
Ok, doesn't look like the rain is going to let up anytime soon, so I'm gonna get while the gettin's good.
But seriously...gifts are super weird. At what point did it become necessary to give gifts for so many things? Christmas, birthday, graduation, retirement, new house, anniversary, wedding, baby, just "because." It's too much.
And rather than acknowledging that it's all too much, and that, if I never speak to you anymore, I probably don't want to give you a pricey gift nor do I expect one from you - we keep the gift-giving tradition alive. And some are even passive-aggressive about it. Like when people re-gift....or when they give stupid old crap that was clearly free (or darn close to it) and that has absolutely nothing to do with your personality or the occasion. Like dollar store shower gel that smells like old lady armpit. Nobody wants that shit. Nobody. I think there is a certain point where "It's the thought that counts," just isn't true. What does it say to you if I'd give you some stank ass shower gel? It either says, "I hate you and this is what you deserve." Or "I totally forgot about this, so I stopped at the dollar store on the way over here and grabbed the cheapest and first thing I saw." At that point...seriously...don't bother. Even just a card with a nice sentiment and nothing else inside is better than that crap. I would rather have nothing than mystery shower gel that's been collecting dust on a dollar store shelf for 12 years and smells like gardenias and minge.
It's also just as uncomfortable when people give really inappropriate gifts of the other end of the spectrum...too familiar...too pricey...too much.
Like, if it's someone you don't know that well...don't effing buy them clothes. I've gotten some of the most laughably bad clothing as gifts from people who barely know me at all. I won't go into specifics because I don't want to offend anyone...but unless you know someone super well (and even then, it's a stretch...unless it's a baby because they can't yet choose their own wardrobe) don't get them clothing....
And it's also just as tacky to get some lavash, extravagant gift when you don't know the person that well. If you have to look up their phone number, don't drop hundos or thous. I don't care how rich and fabulous you are. Well....maybe not. Maybe if I were rich and fabulous I would buy a bunch of ridiculously expensive stuff for people I don't really care about. I can't say what I would do...because I've never been there.
I've also recently become aware of websites that offer "Gift Ideas" for various "types" of people. These suggestions are rarely very good and also almost always suggest things that are stupid expensive. What to get the gadget guru? An iPad! At the bargain price of $800! While you're at it, get him started with several e-books! Only five bucks a piece! And make sure he's got the best photos with his new fancy pants camera...only $1,700! That's not a gift. That's a mortgage payment. That's a used car (a crappy one, but still). That's a new wardrobe.
Ok, doesn't look like the rain is going to let up anytime soon, so I'm gonna get while the gettin's good.
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