Why Do Rednecks Like This Stuff?

Ahh, rednecks. So much to love. So much to hate. And so much I don't understand.

There are a few pieces of redneck memorobilia that I just don't get. Why are these things enjoyable? Why are they must-haves? What is the purpose of these things?

Allow me to explore a few of these little tidbits of redneck life...

1. My main purpose for writing a post on this topic is the testicle-like accesories that many of these folks choose to hang from their trailer hitches.

Why? No...really...I'd love to know why. Is this a symbol of PURE MASCULINITY? Like..."I'm a man. And my truck is a man. Check out its nutsack." I mean, if that's the case, then why not go HUGE and paint a giant scrotum on your tailgate? Or put a giant weiner as a hood ornament? Many of them have already gone obnoxiously huge as far as tire size or truck volume, so what's one more obnoxious vehicular adjustment?

2. Larry the Cable Guy
I know. He has legions of fans. People love him. I just don't think he's funny. Like, at all. The jokes are all the most obvious kinda stuff you'd hear from any local redneck. His timing is terrible. I just don't get it. Now Ron White...HE is funny. I'd take Ron White over Larry the Cable Guy any day. This also goes for the phrase "Git 'Er Dun!" or however that nonsense is spelled.

3. The "other" vehicular decorations.
This is all the other stuff rednecks like to decorate their cars with. Giant decals and bumper stickers with their names and other information that no one else cares about and totally shines a spotlight on their ignorance. Like whether or not they are "Skeered." At least Bud and Sissy had license plates. I also don't think that having three-foot praying hands on your back glass means that you're a religious person. In fact, it probably means you have something to prove, and therefore, I do not trust you.

4. The clothes.
Ok, now I'm certainly not trying to be a snob here. I understand that it's hard to afford the latest fashions. I don't dress like a movie star either. But come on, man. Don't buy white boots if you plan on wearing them every day for the next several years. They don't hold up well. Also, why did redneck fashion stop at various points in the 70s and 80s? The acid wash. The airbrushed t-shirts. The tight, floral pants. Oy vey. It's too much to bear.

5. The lady beautification.
Again, this is not my domain. I'm of more of the "I don't care" philosophy, but I do know a thing or two about how to get pretty when necessary, and it doesn't involve a can of Aqua Net and back-combing my bangs. Or uncomfortably long Lee Press On Nails.

6. The art
Velvet paintings. There was obviously a first person to take a piece of velvet and say, "this is so nice and plush...I think I'll stretch it out and use it as a canvas." Who was this person? I want a name. Velvet paintings are also almost always of hilarious subjects. Like panthers and other jungle cats. They are actually so bad that, for me, they've gone back to good again. I recently saw a velvet painting of an old hillbilly drinking something moonshine-esque out of a jug, and I really, really want it. If I ever get enough money to own and decorate my own home one day, it will be filled with hilarious things of that sort. Like this gem. OMG I must have this.

My apologies to any of you reading this that may have or enjoy any of the aforementioned things. Just let me know when, and I'll get you a little something for your suffering.