I'm sure you've all experienced it...
You're having a conversation with someone (particularly of the serious and/or work-related variety) and they keep breaking eye contact to stare at something else on your person during that conversation...
Maybe you're one of the ones who are guilty of it. Maybe you don't realize you're even doing it. Maybe, if asked, you wouldn't have any idea why you broke eye contact to stare at my teeth/hair/chin/face/boobies and wouldn't have the slightest clue what you were even looking at...but seriously, stop it.
For someone with a warped sense of humor like me (and perhaps a splash of paranoia...ok, more than a splash. An upturned "handle" of paranoia), I lose focus on what we're talking about and begin to obsess over what you could be seeing that I didn't realize was there. My thought process shifts to something like this:
Is it a giant bean skin stuck in my teeth from my lunchtime burrito? Spinach or a large chunk of black pepper perhaps? Is my cleavage about to consume a small child? I didn't think I wore a boobie top today. Did my top lose its shape and therefore turn into a boobie top without me realizing it? Is there some sort of bug crawling on me? OMG what kind of bug is it? Did someone draw all over my face last night without my knowledge and it didn't all come off during my morning bath? Did they draw a wiener? God, please don't let it be a wiener. What if it is a weiner and they can't quite tell what it is just yet? Maybe I should shift around to obscure the view. Holy crap, it's hot in here. I'm probably flushing now with embarrassment and self-consciousness. Great. Just perfect. Now my face is technicolor crawfish red and my child-eating cleavage is practically a glowing neon sign on the door to Boobtown. Press release? What press release? SHIT!
So please, friends, for my sanity and that of those like me, try to maintain eye contact during conversation. You could save someone a trip to the looney bin.
May 6, 2010
May 5, 2010
Happy Cinco de Mayo
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I have a few beers to drink and an episode of Jeopardy to watch, so short post today, mi amigos.
I'll be back tomorrow. I promise.
Hasta Luego!
I'll be back tomorrow. I promise.
Hasta Luego!
May 4, 2010
Pimpin' the Chirrens
If you're anything like me, you sit around and wonder where humanity has gone wrong. What is wrong with people today? We're getting more and more stupid, lazy, oversexed, crazy and lacking in things like ambition and drive for success. People blame this on a number of reasons...depending on who you talk to. Technology, not enough religion, too much religion, women in the workplace, blah blah blah.
I point to one particular family as not only a prime example of the disintigration of society, but also a key player in the continuation of the downfall.
The Cyruses.
Remember a few short years ago before Hannah Montana hit it REALLY big? It was a simpler time, even by recent standards. Billy Ray was still doing Picadilly commercials. Miley was getting there, but hadn't quite become the mega ultra deluxe superstar. By all appearances, they were just another family. Ok, well, close enough.
Fast forward a few short years. After Miley/Hannah success. She's an actress (?). She's a singer (debatable). She's a major international phenomenon. She goes to the Oscars every year (why is that, exactly?). She's a cojillionaire. That's a lot of pressure to put on a teenage girl. But her parents seem to love it and support her "art" even when that "art" is inappropriate pole dancing in labia-peeper shorts at a teenage award show.
It's as though the whole messed up former child star thing doesn't exist to these people.
What is it doing for the rest of the kids? Well, I don't know about all of them, but the effects are permantly etched into Trace's body....
I'm all for tattoos, now. But when they clearly become an excessive cry for help...not good, my friends. Not good.
Then there's Noah, the little one. Still young...still full of potential. But the resulting favoritism of a more successful sibling has already begun to shine on through. That's Noah for Halloween. Perhaps she was just dressing up as her sister?
In case you're wondering, this rant is stemming from the recent E! special where they talk about Miley's "evolution" and how she's coming out with new, more sexual "art." It basically looked to me like she's pulling a Britney now that she's reached the ripe old age of 17 and all.
Grab your popcorn. The bare feet, babies, shaved head and crazy is only a hop, skip and a jump away! Then Noah will pull a Jamie Lynn Spears. Mark my words.
I point to one particular family as not only a prime example of the disintigration of society, but also a key player in the continuation of the downfall.
The Cyruses.
Remember a few short years ago before Hannah Montana hit it REALLY big? It was a simpler time, even by recent standards. Billy Ray was still doing Picadilly commercials. Miley was getting there, but hadn't quite become the mega ultra deluxe superstar. By all appearances, they were just another family. Ok, well, close enough.
Fast forward a few short years. After Miley/Hannah success. She's an actress (?). She's a singer (debatable). She's a major international phenomenon. She goes to the Oscars every year (why is that, exactly?). She's a cojillionaire. That's a lot of pressure to put on a teenage girl. But her parents seem to love it and support her "art" even when that "art" is inappropriate pole dancing in labia-peeper shorts at a teenage award show.
It's as though the whole messed up former child star thing doesn't exist to these people.
What is it doing for the rest of the kids? Well, I don't know about all of them, but the effects are permantly etched into Trace's body....
I'm all for tattoos, now. But when they clearly become an excessive cry for help...not good, my friends. Not good.
Then there's Noah, the little one. Still young...still full of potential. But the resulting favoritism of a more successful sibling has already begun to shine on through. That's Noah for Halloween. Perhaps she was just dressing up as her sister?
In case you're wondering, this rant is stemming from the recent E! special where they talk about Miley's "evolution" and how she's coming out with new, more sexual "art." It basically looked to me like she's pulling a Britney now that she's reached the ripe old age of 17 and all.
Grab your popcorn. The bare feet, babies, shaved head and crazy is only a hop, skip and a jump away! Then Noah will pull a Jamie Lynn Spears. Mark my words.
May 3, 2010
Lucifer Loves People Magazine
Has anyone ever successfully cancelled a magazine subscription? It's not as easy as you might think.
A couple of months ago, I took a little Books-A-Million detour after work to get something new to read that didn't involve staring at a glowing screen well into the evening (like I do all day). I don't understand the concept of e-books, really. I know, I know...save paper and everything. But there's nothing like an actual, tangible book. That smooth crackle of a turned page. It's a beautiful thing. One of my besties, Allison, loves the way books smell. I'm kinda down with that, too...but I digress...
Upon checkout at Books-A-Million, I was tricked into getting "free" subscriptions to People and Time. The fine print would later tell me that I would get six weeks free, after which I would be alerted of imminent charges to my account to continue receiving the magazines. I really should have known better, right?
I never got any sort of alert. And they kept sending the damn magazines.
Now comes the fun part. You can't cancel these things online. You must do it by phone. And, to my chagrin, it's one of those automated things where the Ladybot talks to you. At the beginning of the call, they pretend to give you the option of pushing numbers instead of having to attempt to get Ladybot to understand your vocal commands. After about the second question, though, that all goes down the toilet. By then you're nice and fired up, and proceed to scream at Ladybot. She seems to respond better to screaming than normal speech. Is Ladybot a masochist, or a very clever sadist? We will soon find the answer....
I'm sure it was youtube-worthy....my bitch session with Ladybot while trying to cancel my subscriptions. Ladybot is a cold, calculating shrew. Each "I'm sorry...I didn't understand you" coming from her end of the phone made me want to give up and launch my fist through a window. But I could not. I was on a mission. They would not keep sending me those damn magazines.
What you also may not know if you've never tried to cancel a subscription is that Ladybot (or Manbot...whichever yours may be) will do everything in her (his) power to trick you into keeping that subscription alive. They offer you gas cards, frequent flier miles, more free magazines, Malibu condos (Ok, I made that last one up...but you get the idea). And they ask you thinks in a very sneaky, inverse way. "Are you sure you would not like to cancel your subscription?" ...that sorta shit. It almost got Yoda-bad. "Not cancel the subscription you will?" By the end (and it takes about 15 - 20 minutes) you've got a brain like day-old grits and you can't remember if you messed up and told them you'd like the "free" Malibu beach condo.
Anyway....I'm still getting magazines, and at this point I'm not entirely sure it's worth the 40 bucks a year (or whatever) to go through that again. You're a worthy adversary, Ladybot, and you have beaten me.
A couple of months ago, I took a little Books-A-Million detour after work to get something new to read that didn't involve staring at a glowing screen well into the evening (like I do all day). I don't understand the concept of e-books, really. I know, I know...save paper and everything. But there's nothing like an actual, tangible book. That smooth crackle of a turned page. It's a beautiful thing. One of my besties, Allison, loves the way books smell. I'm kinda down with that, too...but I digress...
Upon checkout at Books-A-Million, I was tricked into getting "free" subscriptions to People and Time. The fine print would later tell me that I would get six weeks free, after which I would be alerted of imminent charges to my account to continue receiving the magazines. I really should have known better, right?
I never got any sort of alert. And they kept sending the damn magazines.
Now comes the fun part. You can't cancel these things online. You must do it by phone. And, to my chagrin, it's one of those automated things where the Ladybot talks to you. At the beginning of the call, they pretend to give you the option of pushing numbers instead of having to attempt to get Ladybot to understand your vocal commands. After about the second question, though, that all goes down the toilet. By then you're nice and fired up, and proceed to scream at Ladybot. She seems to respond better to screaming than normal speech. Is Ladybot a masochist, or a very clever sadist? We will soon find the answer....
I'm sure it was youtube-worthy....my bitch session with Ladybot while trying to cancel my subscriptions. Ladybot is a cold, calculating shrew. Each "I'm sorry...I didn't understand you" coming from her end of the phone made me want to give up and launch my fist through a window. But I could not. I was on a mission. They would not keep sending me those damn magazines.
What you also may not know if you've never tried to cancel a subscription is that Ladybot (or Manbot...whichever yours may be) will do everything in her (his) power to trick you into keeping that subscription alive. They offer you gas cards, frequent flier miles, more free magazines, Malibu condos (Ok, I made that last one up...but you get the idea). And they ask you thinks in a very sneaky, inverse way. "Are you sure you would not like to cancel your subscription?" ...that sorta shit. It almost got Yoda-bad. "Not cancel the subscription you will?" By the end (and it takes about 15 - 20 minutes) you've got a brain like day-old grits and you can't remember if you messed up and told them you'd like the "free" Malibu beach condo.
Anyway....I'm still getting magazines, and at this point I'm not entirely sure it's worth the 40 bucks a year (or whatever) to go through that again. You're a worthy adversary, Ladybot, and you have beaten me.
May 2, 2010
Geezerville
Age has always been something that's interested me. So many stigmas and so very many different viewpoints about how to embrace or avoid age. What's the best philosophy? Yeah, I don't know either.
Many of us think that dying in our sleep from some natural cause at a wrinkly, old age is ideal. Others have that, "hope I die before I get old," attitude.
People dress inappropriately, spend ridiculous sums of money on plastic surgery, and, my favorite, try to stay "current" by having to have the latest gadgets or fancy cars or hottest trends or young, hot friends and significant others. You're trying too hard, and your tremendous efforts will only succeed to age you more or, perhaps worse, reveal the "try hard-ing" geezer you are.
Having said all that, I think there's a huge difference between "aging gracefully" and walling yourself up in your house to never go anywhere or do anything fun ever again. "I can't do that. I'm just too old." How old is too old for something? How old is too old for anything? What is "too old to go on vacation?" If you can move, I think you can go on vacation. You don't even really need to be able to walk.
I think very few people have the right idea about aging these days. It's not what you buy or what different kinds of somethings you've "had done" to your body. It's not something you should have to lie about, but something you should be proud of, right? It's also not something you should use as an excuse to sit around and do nothing until you die. Or to be totally freaking crazy like old people around this area tend to be...
Before you get all pissed about that comment, let me just say this...
I realize certain aspects of memory and hearing and things like that start to go as people age...but please quit it with the crazy, you old farts. Seriously. I sometimes get the impression they do crazy-ass stuff just because they can. Just pushing the limits to see how much they can get away with. Clever old bastards. I also think that if they had more social interaction, there would be less crazy. If I sat in my house for five years with the curtains closed watching daytime soaps in my housecoat, I'd probably be pretty psycho, too. Get out of the house! With improvements in medicine and healthcare, we are living A LOT longer. Do you really want to spend 25-40 years of your life worrying about Hope and Beau (seriously, some of the storylines on those shows are practically mesozoic) and not seeing the daylight? I sure as hell don't.
But I dunno. Ask me again when I'm 40. If I'm wearing a housecoat, then please, just take me out back and put me out of my misery.
Many of us think that dying in our sleep from some natural cause at a wrinkly, old age is ideal. Others have that, "hope I die before I get old," attitude.
People dress inappropriately, spend ridiculous sums of money on plastic surgery, and, my favorite, try to stay "current" by having to have the latest gadgets or fancy cars or hottest trends or young, hot friends and significant others. You're trying too hard, and your tremendous efforts will only succeed to age you more or, perhaps worse, reveal the "try hard-ing" geezer you are.
Having said all that, I think there's a huge difference between "aging gracefully" and walling yourself up in your house to never go anywhere or do anything fun ever again. "I can't do that. I'm just too old." How old is too old for something? How old is too old for anything? What is "too old to go on vacation?" If you can move, I think you can go on vacation. You don't even really need to be able to walk.
I think very few people have the right idea about aging these days. It's not what you buy or what different kinds of somethings you've "had done" to your body. It's not something you should have to lie about, but something you should be proud of, right? It's also not something you should use as an excuse to sit around and do nothing until you die. Or to be totally freaking crazy like old people around this area tend to be...
Before you get all pissed about that comment, let me just say this...
I realize certain aspects of memory and hearing and things like that start to go as people age...but please quit it with the crazy, you old farts. Seriously. I sometimes get the impression they do crazy-ass stuff just because they can. Just pushing the limits to see how much they can get away with. Clever old bastards. I also think that if they had more social interaction, there would be less crazy. If I sat in my house for five years with the curtains closed watching daytime soaps in my housecoat, I'd probably be pretty psycho, too. Get out of the house! With improvements in medicine and healthcare, we are living A LOT longer. Do you really want to spend 25-40 years of your life worrying about Hope and Beau (seriously, some of the storylines on those shows are practically mesozoic) and not seeing the daylight? I sure as hell don't.
But I dunno. Ask me again when I'm 40. If I'm wearing a housecoat, then please, just take me out back and put me out of my misery.
April 29, 2010
Check 1, 2
It's been a while since last I blogged, so I'm just test posting right now. Expect great things to come, mah babies!
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